


Dancing On My Own

by ofreverentia



Series: Only Human [6]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Based on Calum Scott song, Confessions, Future Fic, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Not Beta Read, Past Relationship(s), Unrequited Love, Unresoled emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 13:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18896032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofreverentia/pseuds/ofreverentia
Summary: Somebody said you got a new friendBut does she love you better than I can?





	Dancing On My Own

_ Somebody said you got a new friend _

_ But does she love you better than I can? _

 

Yuzuru wanted to say that he was surprised but it would be a lie. He always knew that while Javier despised the idea of long distance relationships he couldn’t quite be without someone by his side. Should it be across the world or inside his bed in Toronto. For a while they played this on and off game, neither truly committing and making good use of their single lives or well mostly Javier. It was getting shorter and further in between, leaving Yuzuru wondering how long he could do this. He knew why he kept letting the Spaniard back into his bed but feared that a confession would ruin things. Yuzuru was also not prepared for something steady, he needed the breaks to concentrate on his skating and if Javier didn’t pressure, why would he? 

 

After all, they could never be as open in a relationship as the older liked to do, share social media photos, cuddled up with each other or on holidays. Yuzuru couldn’t even quite remember when the last time was he had a long break on a beach.

 

So it did not come as a surprise when Javier introduced Marina. Yuzuru forced a smile on his face and wished him all the happiness in the world.

 

_ And there's a big black sky over my town _

_ I know where you're at, I bet she's around _

_ And yeah I know it's stupid, but I just gotta see it for myself _

 

Yuzuru started to follow all the articles of Javier, interviews on TV or shared in magazines more frequently after the Olympics. He knew their time together was ending in more than one way but he was not yet ready to let go of his friend. Well, he did think they were friends, maybe not in the sense many believed them. No, they had shared so much more people did not know of and now that they did not meet on a daily basis he clung to whatever he could. It involved him using crappy translators to understand what Javier said in Spanish until he just hired a translator to get transcript emailed to him on a regular basis.

He knew what the other was doing, where he stayed at one point of the week. He also knew that during most these events Marina would be by his side. She would travel with the older and support from up close. Yuzuru had to ignore these thoughts, how he wished it was him watching him with affection in his eyes as he gave an interview over his past achievements and plans for the future.

 

His mother told him one morning that he is just torturing himself with all this. He smiled hugged her instead of saying that he knows how stupid he is for wishing for something he could have had, only if he made the right choice years ago. Instead he made mistakes over mistakes and here he was forced to watch the love of his life, love someone else. Oh, yes amidst his obsession of knowing everything Javier says and does after his retirement, he also realized what his feelings meant. 

 

_ I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh oh oh _

_ And I'm right over here, why can't you see me? Oh oh oh _

_ And I'm giving it my all _

_ But I'm not the guy you're taking home, oooh _

_ I keep dancing on my own _

 

Over the course of the past year he had seen Marina at certain events, somehow she was by Javiers side even when he was abroad. Always supporting, smiling and kissing the lips he craved to taste on his own for so long. Yuzuru averted his gaze from the couple and bit at his lower lip, swallowing the bitter feeling down. He busied himself with chatting with people, playing his social self, smiling and taking dozens of pictures without a break. It all helped him to avoid the view, avoid a certain Spaniard until he was found in one corner where he escaped to, just to breathe. He felt a warm palm rubbing against his shoulder and he hated himself for knowing exactly who they belonged to. Over the years he got so used to feeling that palm placed on certain parts of his body in public and sometimes lower, more pleasurable places in private. A small shiver ran down his spine, hoping Javier could not feel it. Turning to face the older he looked into a pair of gentle eyes.

 

“Hey Mr. Popular. Are you okay? Have you eaten anything or drank at least some orange juice?” Yuzuru had to think and realized that he did neither but decided to lie instead of saying the truth.

 

“Yes, I have. No need to worry Javi. I am good.” Javier pursed his lips, a frown appeared on his face but quickly gone.

 

“Okay...if you say so. If you need to escape, just let me know.” Yuzuru nodded his head, one of his fake media smiles plastered on his face.

 

“Thank you, Javi.” If he wanted to say more, he stopped himself but also didn’t get the chance because Marina approached with a bright smile, ready to drag Javier away to the dance-floor. Yuzuru watched with a bitter taste in his mouth.

 

_ I just wanna dance all night _

_ And I’m all messed up, I’m so out of line, yeah _

_ Stilettos and broken bottles _

_ I’m spinning around in circles _

 

Yuzuru liked to torture himself because otherwise he couldn’t explain why he kept watching the couple dance to the slow music playing in the room. It was more like them wrapped up in each others embrace and swaying to the music but they looked happy. He couldn’t do this anymore and turned away, spilling some excuses about exhaustion to escape and return to his room. There he threw himself on his bed, burying his face in the sheets, letting it soak up his tears. His sadness turned into anger and he screamed into the pristine white cotton.

 

Taking his phone out he opened Line, looking at the last messages he has exchanged with Javi, knowing that the older does not use the app unless he speaks with him. Given the last message was months ago, it wasn’t something he looked at regularly. He contemplated for a moment before he typed off a long message and sent it before it was too late. Javier may never see it, it is possible he has the app muted or deleted too. Nevertheless Yuzuru had to get these feelings out to be able to move on.

 

_ So far away, but still so near _

_ The lights come on, the music dies _

_ But you don't see me standing here _

_ I just came to say goodbye _

 

**_“Dear Javi. I am not sure you will ever read this. Maybe you don’t have this app anymore, maybe you do but I had to say this out loud. Even if you see this it will not change anything between us but I have to… I need closure to be able to move on._ **

 

**_I love you. I have loved you for years. I did not know back then or maybe I did but didn’t want to accept. I felt scared. Admitting the feelings meant to consider a future I was not prepared to have. It is too late now. I see you happy, sharing smiles and kisses with her. She is so lovely and everything and more Javi deserves. I don’t know if I could or would have been able to give you that kind of happiness. I am selfish, I am a bad person. I don’t think of others, I take and take. I never give but… oh how I would give anything now to feel Javi kiss on my lips, arms wrapped around me and lay my head on your chest._ **

 

**_I made a lot of mistakes. I am sorry for being late to say this or saying at all._ **

 

**_I love Javi and I hope you will be happy with her in the future._ **

 

**_Goodbye,_ **

**_Forever yours,_ **

**_Yuzu”_ **

 

He fell asleep still in clothes, his mother waking him up in the morning to tell him to shower, get ready while she packs his things as they need to leave to catch their plane. Yuzuru nodded having forgotten about what he did before exhaustion made him drift off. He put his phone in his backpack without looking. In the hotel lobby he looked around for some reason, searching for a certain someone to say goodbye to but it was empty, still too early for most to be awake after the party. Yuzuru sighed, following his mother to the car waiting outside after he put his headphones on, missing the sound of a gentle voice calling out to him, begging him to stop.


End file.
